Tuesday, March 10, 2009

what I want to be

I use to want to be a film maker. I was in high school when I dreamed of this. I looked into going into film school in the states. It was expensive, and I doubted my ability to pay for it, or to ever make much money.

I use to want to be a veterinarian. I was very young when I considered this. I just wanted to be around animals and have them love me when as I cared for them. I don't know why or when I grew out of this idea, but somewhere along the line it faded away.

I use to want to be a teacher. I was just out of high school when I thought of this. I was working at a school at the time, and was so happy of how it felt to have the children admire me, and look up to me. I didn't want it to end, but then, I quit my job and the feelings faded.

I use to want to be an artist. I was a variety of ages when I dreamed of this. This is one thing that seems to really stick with me. But, I don't go to school, mainly out of fear of not being good enough and of wasting time and money. So, I try to push it out of my head and let it go.

I use to want to be a writer. I was in high school when I first felt this, and still to this day have the desire. I use to write to get my thoughts out. It was the "safe" thing to do when I felt something good, bad, unclear or ambivalent and didn't feel like sharing my feelings or thoughts with others. I went to school for my writing, but that didn't turn out the way I thought it would. I still imagine being a writer, but am not sure how I will get there.

I have had many dreams or ideas of what I wanted to be when I was older. Now I am older, am doing nothing, and no longer know what I want, or how to get there.

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