Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Not really sure how I am going to approach this one. Work gave me a call last night, the same manager who had called over a month ago. I missed the call, but he left a voicemail saying that I was still an employee and this was not meant to be a forced medical leave. Basically he wants to know if I plan on coming back....

I really don't know what to do. My health has not been great still, and the thought of going back to work and being questioned by so many people as to where I was, and what was wrong, and am I ok, well, the thought stresses me out and makes me slightly ill. Part of me knows it would be great to have the money, but I think I need to seek more help with my illness, and my emotions. I just don't know if I am ready to go back to work.

On a more positive note, I have been part of a group call 'craftster' and I am currently working on my first craft swap! And, it is a secret swap, so I get to "stalk" someone and then make crafts for them and send them off! How exciting! And someone gets to do the very same for me. I am getting so anxious and have been holding off going to the craft store because I want to wait until I see who my person is, and some of their interests. I really hope I can come up with a few good ideas and that they work out! hehe

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

what I want to be

I use to want to be a film maker. I was in high school when I dreamed of this. I looked into going into film school in the states. It was expensive, and I doubted my ability to pay for it, or to ever make much money.

I use to want to be a veterinarian. I was very young when I considered this. I just wanted to be around animals and have them love me when as I cared for them. I don't know why or when I grew out of this idea, but somewhere along the line it faded away.

I use to want to be a teacher. I was just out of high school when I thought of this. I was working at a school at the time, and was so happy of how it felt to have the children admire me, and look up to me. I didn't want it to end, but then, I quit my job and the feelings faded.

I use to want to be an artist. I was a variety of ages when I dreamed of this. This is one thing that seems to really stick with me. But, I don't go to school, mainly out of fear of not being good enough and of wasting time and money. So, I try to push it out of my head and let it go.

I use to want to be a writer. I was in high school when I first felt this, and still to this day have the desire. I use to write to get my thoughts out. It was the "safe" thing to do when I felt something good, bad, unclear or ambivalent and didn't feel like sharing my feelings or thoughts with others. I went to school for my writing, but that didn't turn out the way I thought it would. I still imagine being a writer, but am not sure how I will get there.

I have had many dreams or ideas of what I wanted to be when I was older. Now I am older, am doing nothing, and no longer know what I want, or how to get there.